the last night

today will be the last night i stand alone. i will no longer become a victom to the vial words. i will no longer feel the pain of the things they have done to me, i will no longer let them rule my life.
for so longi have felt the pain and the tourture of their actions. i have never stood back and said its finailly over. even though the words have stopped i still feel the stares. they stare because i broke. i finially snapped. the things they said and did to me all came out. january 1st 2013 i tried to take my life. i took a botttle of pills and waited for the end. when i  laied there i thought of everythingi have ever done in my life. all the love i felt, then all the pain, all the smiles, then the tears. before i drifted off i saw everything flash before my eyes. everything that i had done wrong and everything i wish i could have done different. i thought of my baby sister. how she would grow up not knowing she had a sister, how i would miss everything, her wedding day, her first day of school, and her going to her forst prom. i swore if i made it through that i would never do it again. after that i started cutting. i have the scars on my wrists. telling any one who asks that i just fell, not knowing how to tell even my best friend that i had done it. i never thought i could openly admit that i had done wrong. i soon found the courage to post on fb about what i did. so many people had no clue what i had done and thought it was a sick joke. tehy had only seen the fake me. the one who never wated to be sad, the one that was always smiling. i never let anyone know how much i really hated myself. i hated myself so much i didnt really care what happened to me. i thought of jumping into traffic, maybe even just falling off a bridge. i had so many nights where i never slept. i still rarly sleep. i lost a friend about a month a go. her name was cynthia and she killed herself. i couldnt believe it. i had talked to her 3 days before and i had no clue. it felt like someone had taken every feeling i ever had and replaced it with air. i still am numb to the subject. if i could have said one thing to her before she died it would have been this

cynthia, you are so beautiful. you have so much to live for and you dont have to do this. you have so many people who love you and are here for you to talk too. i am always here for you to talk too. you are the smartest girl i have ever met. honestly i have always been jellous of you. your smart beautiful and talented.  i wish i could be like you. you are one in a million.

i wish i would have said that to her, now when i look back i notice all the things that remind me of her. in choir last year i had tried out for a solo and she got it. i was upset but i was glad that she got it. she deserved it more than me. she was an amazing singer. i miss her so much. latley i find myself looking through my contacts and seeing her name and starting to txt her, i guess i forget that she wont ever recieve it. i guess i have kinda blocked it out because its better than dealing with the pain.

R.I.P Cynthia Kevil (Steller)