the last night

today will be the last night i stand alone. i will no longer become a victom to the vial words. i will no longer feel the pain of the things they have done to me, i will no longer let them rule my life.
for so longi have felt the pain and the tourture of their actions. i have never stood back and said its finailly over. even though the words have stopped i still feel the stares. they stare because i broke. i finially snapped. the things they said and did to me all came out. january 1st 2013 i tried to take my life. i took a botttle of pills and waited for the end. when i  laied there i thought of everythingi have ever done in my life. all the love i felt, then all the pain, all the smiles, then the tears. before i drifted off i saw everything flash before my eyes. everything that i had done wrong and everything i wish i could have done different. i thought of my baby sister. how she would grow up not knowing she had a sister, how i would miss everything, her wedding day, her first day of school, and her going to her forst prom. i swore if i made it through that i would never do it again. after that i started cutting. i have the scars on my wrists. telling any one who asks that i just fell, not knowing how to tell even my best friend that i had done it. i never thought i could openly admit that i had done wrong. i soon found the courage to post on fb about what i did. so many people had no clue what i had done and thought it was a sick joke. tehy had only seen the fake me. the one who never wated to be sad, the one that was always smiling. i never let anyone know how much i really hated myself. i hated myself so much i didnt really care what happened to me. i thought of jumping into traffic, maybe even just falling off a bridge. i had so many nights where i never slept. i still rarly sleep. i lost a friend about a month a go. her name was cynthia and she killed herself. i couldnt believe it. i had talked to her 3 days before and i had no clue. it felt like someone had taken every feeling i ever had and replaced it with air. i still am numb to the subject. if i could have said one thing to her before she died it would have been this

cynthia, you are so beautiful. you have so much to live for and you dont have to do this. you have so many people who love you and are here for you to talk too. i am always here for you to talk too. you are the smartest girl i have ever met. honestly i have always been jellous of you. your smart beautiful and talented.  i wish i could be like you. you are one in a million.

i wish i would have said that to her, now when i look back i notice all the things that remind me of her. in choir last year i had tried out for a solo and she got it. i was upset but i was glad that she got it. she deserved it more than me. she was an amazing singer. i miss her so much. latley i find myself looking through my contacts and seeing her name and starting to txt her, i guess i forget that she wont ever recieve it. i guess i have kinda blocked it out because its better than dealing with the pain.

R.I.P Cynthia Kevil (Steller)

contemplation

maybe its up to me to change...

i have never been one to be stuck in my ways........ ohh wait yes i am. thsi is what causes fights between me and my mother. i try my hardest and well its not good enough for her. she thinks i should be like my older sister, perfect, smart, ,beautiful, and well, my total oposit. i try to get good grades and i try to do my best. i just cant be her. some days i wonder if she ever regrets me, i wasnt panned. i feel like a complete failure.

maybe its time to let go,
i had this boyfriend about 3 years back. i swore that he was the one, i swore that i would ever feel that way again. he was my everything. we broke up after 9 months and i was just crushed. i had moved and he had moved on. 3 months after i moved we got back together. he was my 1st kiss. i really really thought he was my one and only. we broke up after 3 months. we dated 7 more times (guess i never learned my lesson). he took me to my 1st homeocming dance and i was head over heels. he used me to look like a big shit in front of his friends. i was so upset. that mixed with the bulling i have been enduring i tried to kill myself. i took some pills and went to sleep. i just dont know why i did it, i mean no guy is worth killing yourself over. he never cared. i told him that i wanted to have sex with him and he told everyone. i mean that was personal. he had no right to tell people that, he told me way worse stuff than that and i never told a soul. i guess i shouldnt have read into the kisses and the times we madeout, i ment nothing to him so why did it bug me so much. i have stopped talking to him and well, i kinda miss him but i wont txt him, its about time i let him miss  me for once.

once again thanks for reading. :)

why am i even here?

i guess you all think i am just another person with every day issues right? well guess again. bullying shouldnt be a everyday issue. i shouldnt have to watch over my shoulder every time i turn around. i shouldnt have to put up with the names and the tourture. i shouldnt have to feel like i am a lesser being. i was beaten twice in 8th grade and guess what, i tried to kill myself freshman year.  i was in counciling and stuff but i just got good at acting like i was okay. well guess what, i am not. i guess what my point is that nobody should have to go though what i have.

other than that i think i am doing good. i am newly single. i thought i had it all figured out but  then out of nowhere he dumped me. i gave him everything. i just dont get why people can lie to you and leave you in the dirt then they can want you back. its beyond confusing. dare i say it but i love him. i dont even know what went wrong. everything was perfect. for one i had friends. i have never had friends since i moved to this little hum drum town. i lost it all cuz he decided to make a dumb choice.

i guess that i have never really felt seen, i hever had any ones attention. almost every guy i have eveer dated has cheated on me. i mean even my own mom hates me. i am a udder disapointmen to her. i just dont know why i cant do anything right. sometimes i look at  my scars that i have on my arms and i actually think that i deserve them. i dont know why but i need everyones eyes just to feel seen. i am not the uglyiest poerson out there and i know i am pretty attractive but i never seem to think that anyone could ever only like me.

my latest problem..... boys...
i like this guy and he lives 45 min away from me. he is amazing and i really could fall for him. my ex who i still love wnats me back and i dont know what to do. my ex cheated on my with his ex who has cancer. who is to say that he wont do it again. the guy that dosnt live by me makes me feel like i am on top of the world. he actually cares about me and mty life. i bet that if he even knew half the tings i was saying here he would probly freak out. i really like him and i have told him. ever other day he tells me he likes me and the next its were just friends. i mean if you really like me tell me a nd stop making me wait because i wont wait forever. i just wish that somehow he could see this and see that i am really confused. i just dont know what to do. should i go back to my ex and see how things play out(hopefully for the better) or should i go for this new guy whho cant seem to make up his mind.......

i know this is alotto take in and all but i couold really use some advise right now